Motherless Mother’s Day

My mama during one of her chemo treatments

I see it everywhere. Mother’s Day paraphernalia littering mailers and commercials. You’d think as a mother of three I would look forward to it every year; and I do, however, it is a day tinged with sadness.

My mother passed 5 years ago. She battled cancer and eventually was called home. I miss her every day. Mother’s Day is extra hard because of my children.

Five years ago, my husband and I had gone through a miscarriage, and told that children weren’t in our future. My husband started his treatment for cancer the day before my mother lost her battle. His treatment was said to make children something that we would not be able to have. Finding out two years later that we were being blessed with a miracle left us ecstatic, but also I felt a pit begin in my stomach. I had no idea how to be a mother. Despite being told I had my mother in laws there for me, it wasn’t the same and I withdrew from any advice I was given. I wanted my mother. I’ve been struggling to figure out motherhood since.

Now five years after her passing, and three children later I still look at them daily and wish my mother could be here to see them, to have them make homemade cards for her. I remember what it was like to be mothered by her and I wish my children could have experienced it as well.

A lot of us struggle on Mother’s Day. For me, I keep everything very surface level for obvious reasons. I use this day to check out of reality and let my husband take over everything. Most want to lean into the time with their children, and I do truly wish I wanted that too, but in all honesty I want time to myself. I want to mourn, mourn for my loss and for my children’s loss. No one can compare to my mother and in ways I feel my children were cheated the greatest grandmother of all time. (I mean who doesn’t think that about their mother?)

Please understand we all are effected in some way to this day. Respect each other. As always take it all with a little grace.

Signed A Modern Mama With Grace

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